Tintin's Top Ten: Worst Bollywood Films of 2013

Tintin's Top Ten

Worst Bollywood Films of 2013

Before I get into listing the worst films of this year, I would like to put some light into the films I haven't watched this year, obviously that could be quite a list…so let me just put those that I was not interested in watching;

Movies didn't bother wasting time on: ABCD (Any Body Can Dance), Murder 3, I Me aur Main, Boss, Satya 2, Gori Tere Pyaar Mein and R…Rajkumar

I'd like to point out that in the event of tied scores, I decided that the film that I like the most among the tied ones was the one that goes one rank higher e.g..

Lets say I gave ABCD and Murder 3 both 2/10 but I liked ABCD more, than it goes to spot number 1 where Murder 3 is 2 even if Murder 3 had better individual scores.

I've made my peace with the fact that certain films will make tons of money, no matter how undeserving they are. Such films are entertaining for the masses, heck even sometimes for me.

So for someone who only has the means to go to the theater with his family in a year is bound to choose an entertaining escape from troubles of daily life that has the right doses of action, comedy and romance in it.

Even then I also have the voice to express my personal opinion on a movie which I did not like or which I felt was a waste of my 300-400 Rs at the theater.  Especially by the end where I turn into a maniac on a hate rant.

This year unlike the last I did my best to suffer through countless films…some which I actually enjoyed (partially) and came with a list of ten films that were the worst of the year. The good thing to take from this is that, so the first few films may just be average compared to the worst ones I haven't watched.

Although the worst film that is listed below as number one, I can guarantee is the worst film of THE YEAR!

Films that just missed the cut; (These are ones I watched)

Aatma-Nawazzudin Siddiqui wastes his talent on the lamest horror I've seen in years

Phata Poster Nikla Hero-Melodramatic nonsense where Rajkumar Santoshi tries to recapture the fleeting genius of his cult classic Andaz Apna Apna and mega hit Ajab Prem Ki Gazaab Kahani

John Day-Bleach blond Naseeruddin Shah and a one expression Randeep Hooda. The quintessential movie where talents waste their time for a paycheck

Onwards to the worst of the year…

10. Shootout At Wadala

Director: Sanjay Gupta

Cast: John Abraham as Manohar 'Manya' Arjun Surve, Anil Kapoor as ACP Afaaque Baaghran, Kangana Ranaut as Vidya Joshi, Tusshar Kapoor as Sheikh Munir, Manoj Bajpai as Zubeir Imtiaz Haksar, Sonu Sood as Dilawar Imtiaz Haksar, Ronit Roy as Inspector Raja Ambat, Mahesh Manjrekar as Inspector Bhinde, Siddhanth Kapoor as Gyancho with Sunny Leone as Laila and Jackie Shroff as Police Commisioner

Genre: Crime/Thriller

Best Scene: As Manya, his gang and outside associates ambush Zubeir at a petrol pump. They go on to murder him in cold blood. Bajpai is a genius when it comes to death scenes, and for a weird reason is one film death at a petrol station away from a hattrick after Gangs of Wasseypur and this. 

Best Performance: Manoj Bajpai as Zubeir Imtiaz

Best Dialogue: 'Manohar sidha tha, ye Manya tera hai'-Manya Surve, ('Manohar was a naive man, Manya is a cunning one').

Basically stating what Manya has become through the film, clunky dialogue but good enough

Pros:-The narrative style is quite cool and really gets the viewer invested in the film

          -A few dialogues are crackling and powerful

          -Most of the supporting performances are splendid especially those of Sood, Roy and Bajpayee

          -Abraham has great dialogue delivery and really brings out the animalistic nature of his character with his expressions

        

Cons:-The pacing of the film is pretty terrible, there is no connection between particular scenes as the film becomes a mix of infuriating action pieces and one too many item songs

           -Overall the script is terrible, it plays out as a bit too melodramatic at times and sexist

           -The film sketches over realistic points in favor of putting a notorious gangster in a better light

           -Dialogue at times border on crass while action supports this

           -Gupta provides excessive use of slow motion in many action scenes

           -Where his expressions help, Abraham's body language betrays him. He is too stiff where as his leading lady and supporting friend clearly over act

Score: 3.8/10 (Story-2.1, Direction-2.1, Performances-7.8, Background score/soundtrack-3.3)

Manya Surve (Abraham) a ruthless gangster has finally been caught in the first ever recorded encounter in Mumbai Police History. As a dying Surve is being taken away in a Police van, he recalls his tale to ACP Afaaque Baaghran (Kapoor). 

Manohar Surve was an honest studious man with a small time goon for a brother. Once during a confrontation in order to save his said brother, Manya mistakenly kills a man and is imprisoned even though he committed the crime in self defense. Manohar trains and decides to escape prison with his friend Sheikh (Kapoor), they make friends of big time gangster Zubeir (Bajpai). After a scuffle with Zubeir's younger brother Dilawar (Sood), Manya leaves over his pride and creates his own gang. Soon a gang war engulfs Mumbai, and the first ever encounter squad is assemble to take down Manya led by Baaghran. With the Police on one side and Zubeir and Dilawar on the other, Manya's journey is charted to the infamous Shootout at Wadala. 

What it did right?

When Shootout was announced, I was excited; after all it was a prequel to the exciting action thriller that was Shootout at Lokhandwala.

Like with the first film, the narrative style and storytelling method is very interesting and engages the viewer beautifully. While in SaL it was intriguing to see the Officers involved dictate the events to their wily lawyer, here it was captivating to see both Cop Afaaque Baaghran and gangster Surve discuss the inner workings of each of their actions leading to their final confrontation.

Manya Surve dying in a Police van narrates his story while Afaaque regularly chimes in with his investigations on the underworld. The flashback narrative is bolstered by some great filmy styled dialogue mixed with the Mumbai slang that is fittingly adapted.

What the film does the best however, is litter the supporting cast full of talented actors like Anil Kapoor, Ronit Roy, Sonu Sood and most importantly Manoj Bajpai.

Bajpai just seems to have perfected the art of dying (and that too being riddled by bullets at a petrol station again!), he's is neither showy or over dramatic. Instead there's that feel of realism (as much as there can be) to the way he dies and enacts the final moments of death.

He portrays a suave gangster impeccably but the screenplay thoroughly lets his character as well as the whole film down. He stands quite tall in front of both Kapoor's tough as nails cop and John's ambitious gangster. He leaves a mark even with the lesser screen time.

Like with him, Ronit Roy has a short screen time in which he aptly supports Kapoor as an officer. He's wasted in the small role, I would like to see him in a lengthier role as a no nonsense cop (although if Boss is to go by, then I'd rather see him do normal HIndie films like Udaan).

Sonu Sood is by far, one really underappreciated actor. He has the talent, but surprisingly the film also showed that Sood has a raw charisma and flamboyance around him. Considering who he's playing (Dilawar is the basis for notorious gangster/terrorist Dawood Ibrahim) this is a vital pre-requisite, and Sood fulfills all points thoroughly. He is however cut short towards the end of the film, and with reason since the real life man would become a bigger threat afterwards. Hopefully if a better script can come by, then Sood can get a chance to shine in even a lead role. Of the four portrayals of Ibrahim this year, Sood is second but also the closest to the notorious gangster of his films era.

But the film really belongs to only one man; John Abraham. Off all the things I didn't expect, Sanjay Gupta actually brings out a spectacular performance from Abraham. When I first watched the film, I was disappointed with Abraham's portrayal of Surve. I still hold my ground that there are a lot of negatives to John's work however a second viewing (forcefully watched because I needed to rate the film) made me more lenient towards him.

While Abraham does exude Manya's rage overtly with his expressions and dialogue delivery, he does this in such a way that it perfectly suits the film. He's a raging beast through the story which work brilliantly in context.

With the talent involved, they easily elevate the film from its shoddy script and direction although not taking it high enough to become a good picture.

What it did wrong?

That screenplay and Gupta's own structuring of it on screen.

I'm going to paraphrase this really great quote by Rahul Bose;

When there is an item song in the film, you know that a director really doesn't have anything else to say or anything else in his film.

When taking this into context, Sanjay Gupta's Shootout is filled with three excruciatingly painful Item numbers. So what does the director, really have to say?

Now that, that's out of the way. Lets take a gander at the script.

The script annoys me, in order to write out a certain macho flavor to the film it compromises the female characters (however little they are). I get that this isn't the first film to do so or the last, or the fact that in a way the treatment of a female characters are semi realistic to the era.

First there's the dialogues, constantly filmy but mostly inbred with misogynist ideals, when Manya and his gang get together all we here is Tarantino styled banter about female body parts, (the dialogue doesn't even do the Tarantino talking method right).

Still the reaction and development of the lead female character is absurd and highly sexist. A scene depicts Manya forcefully entering his former girlfriends home and virtually going through with forcing her into sex which eventually for the woman goes from trying to fight it to liking it.

No matter if she loved him at one point, no realistically developed female character would make the decisions she does.

Considering the issue of the Delhi Gang Rape incident, this scene is in terrible taste and points out at the rampant sexism in Hindi cinema as well as India as a whole whether it be back in the day or now. Sanjay Gupta's macho world view may be a bit right, but it is stupid and disgusting. Bollywood's notion as a whole, that things like Macho men showing force or stalker like persistence will get them the girl is an outdated and frankly perverted imaginary thought of male writers and directors.

Most people will chalk this as a so what, and simply reply that it's a realistic situation of the era in a realistic film. Maybe Manya did do that to his real ex-girlfriend, even then the way the scene us filmed it paints the picture in a loving light from Manya's view.

On the contrary the whole screenplay tries to hard to paint Surve in a positive light. It sketches over his past, and makes the initial character come of as a bit one dimensional good and honest student.

The truth?

While Manya Surve was quite smart and educated, he also had his own gang during his college years and an arrogant demeanor due to his brother being a notorious gangster. In fact, where in the film Surve goes to jail by being forced to kill a man so as to save his brother. In reality he and one of his friends murdered a man over a certain incident.

I get that the film is meant to have its viewers sympathize the protagonist, but painting one in such a great light and then on top of that highlighting the brilliance of a life as a gangster seems to give a negative message.

What's worse is that this kind of story has been done to death. Even with the protagonist lying dead due to the path he chose (another trope), audiences seem to only carry the positive image of a life as a criminal.

What's worse is Gupta's method of storytelling. As a director he's expected to bring a certain flow to proceedings, but scenes just come and go. There's no real thread between each part of the film, everything seems so loosely connected. All Gupta does to salvage this is inserting items songs, and by the third one roles around you're eyes and ears start to hurt.

Also his and his cinematographers choices of camera angles are questionable. A few frames feel stretched, that it makes the film look outdated and coming from a bygone era. Even the production design tries too hard in aping the retro look and comes off cheap. 

Lets not forget the atrocious action choreography, the whole length of the film is stretched due to the fact that every action scene is in Slow Motion! Heck, even the item song 'Laila' runs in slow motion for a short time! Its excessive use is furiously annoying.

On the acting front, where in expressions and delivery Abraham is a revelation…the need for a proper chiseled body affects his body language, he's is lumbering through the film. Abraham is constantly stiff in the way he moves and reacts, it just takes you out of his performance.  Kangana his leading lady fares worse, she's over the top and her delivery (her weakest aspect) doesn't come across well. She's constantly either tearing up and thus crying and quivering when saying anything. It's annoying.

Final Thoughts:

I hate how when one great movie like a Kahaani or English Vinglish takes Bollywood forward in giving gender equality, then you have a Wadala really highlight how sexualized females are on celluloid and how sexist the writing comes off.

Of course we forget to mention Gupta's adoration of Tarantino's style of work. While you can see hints of homage even here, Quentin Tarantino still managed to give us a Jackie Brown and The Bride, so that's where my hatred boils further at the script and its director.

Gupta basically apes Tarantino's style without giving it meaning, so in turn his homage just becomes false copies.

Maybe I'm reading into this too much though, that's why the film sits quite above in the worst list. In fact my hatred directed here is just a tip of the effects due to the worst film of this year (see below).

9. Chennai Express

Director: Rohit Shetty

Cast: Deepika Padukone as Meenalochni Azhagusundaram, Shahrukh Khan as Rahul Mithaiwala, Sathyaraj as Durgeshwara Azhagusundaram, Nikitin Dheer as Tangaballi, Kamini Kaushal as Rahul's Grandmother, Lekh Tandon as YY Mithaiwala with Mukesh Tiwari as Inspector Samsher and Priyamani as 1234 Item Girl

Genre: Masala (Multiple Mix)

Best Scene: Rahul pulls Meena and then the goons chasing her onto a train. A hilarious homage to SRK's iconic climax scene from Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge

Best Performance: Deepika Padukone as Meenalochni Azhagusundaram

Best Dialogue: 'Don't underestimate the power of a common man.'-Rahul

Pros:-It's definitely a mass entertainer especially in its first half

          -Shetty captures the more smaller and contained romantic elements well

          -The cinematography is picturesque and highlights the beauty of the South

          -Padukone gives a superb over the top performance, excelling with her mannerisms and accent in the first half 

          -The music is really fun to sing along to

Cons:-Even with some nice romantic moments, the second half dips quite low especially with its melodramatic and action-romance trope filled ending

           -On a base level, the script is highly unoriginal and generic

           -Much of the comedy, especially dialogue wise falls flat. The film never really gains the tempo Shetty gains with full on comedy films

           -Shetty uses his typical signature elements bringing nothing really different or interesting to the film . Along with that his script as usual is filled with illogical gaps

           -He also tries too hard and fails to mix this with the star (Khan's) own persona of soft romantic hero

           -Surprisingly both the action choreography and production design seems really cheap in the film. Green screen usage is visible through out the film

           -Shahrukh Khan is all over the place, his over acting really affects the comedy badly in the film          

Score: 3.6/10 (Story-2.3, Direction-1.9, Performances-4.9, Background score/soundtrack-5.1)

Rahul is a 40 year old bachelor looking to be set free from his mundane existence under his grandfather's watch. When his grandfather passes away, Rahul is tasked to send his Ashes into the Rameshwaram river. Instead Rahul uses this as an excuse to get out and head to Goa with a bunch of friends. Then Meena lands in Rahul's train and life and everything changes. Rahul lands up in a Madras village and in a comedy of errors runs away with Meena. They fall in love, now Rahul has to face Meena's father and his chosen man Tangaballi for Meena's hand and show them the true power of a common man.

What it did right?

As I mentioned earlier, I am trying my best to understand and give leeway to films that are nonsensical but make a lot of money at the box office. Express is such a film.

In truth the film is an actual wholesome package of entertainment. It has all the typical great flavors of a masala film, and the director works hard in juggling all these aspects well.

What's better is that unlike previous Rohit Shetty films, the director and his writers try hard to add some depth to proceedings. He tries to address the social standing of women in the country and their right to equality, this is parallel to Sharukh Khan's own perfect idea of giving first billing in credits to his female co-stars.

Another aspect  where Shetty works on is the logic of his films. While you still see cars crashing and burning like in a video game, the characters in his film constantly speak Tamil and the film works in a bilingual nature. While it may be a small and somewhat irrelevant point, like with many unrefined mainstream directors he could have easily had everyone speaking proper Hindi even if they are from the South of India where they have their own language. The fact that he incorporates the language and has been incorporating Southern film style means that Shetty really likes the South Indian flavor of films and respectfully remakes/pays homage to them.

One of the major turns of the film is that the role is being played by Khan, unlike his contemporaries he doesn't exude the macho man masala film hero presence. As such a major portion of the film incorporates a prototypical romance to the film.  Unlike normal masala films, there's a lot of development and time spent on the two characters and their budding necessity to be together turning into a romantic angle. Shetty also excels here in handling this romantic elements well, no matter how generic they are. The good thing is he doesn't and never has made them come off as regressive as his contemporaries like Prabhudeva.

Also a mention of the cinematography that captures the natural beauty of the south.

Onto the performances, there's nobody whose had a better year in Bollywood than Deepika Padukone. With 4 back to back 100 crore hits in 2013, the actor has raised her stock. Of course four hits doesn't  necessarily tally up to good films or even performances. Padukone goes against the grain, the script and a caricature of a character to give her most funny if not competent performance. She's hilarious and amps up the accent to the max, intentionally or unintentionally she milks all the laughs from the audience she can get. Coming to the dramatic parts of the film, she really holds her ground never faltering from being the quintessential leading man's love interest.   With all her prowess, she sweeps the show away from right under her veteran co-star and is the only reason to remotely watch the film.

While the soundtrack was full of typical lip sync Bollywood songs, the interesting aspect is that the songs didn't have bad placing and in fact gave soothing and much needed rest stops for the OTT film. The music in the film is also quite catchy and in fact one of the most oddball yet best soundtracks of 2013.

What it did wrong? 

Not Funny. Not funny at all!

Even in a biased mode I'm willing to admit that Rohit Shetty's Bol Bachchan was a laugh riot. The same cannot be said about CE. All the dialogue and all the sketches just fall flat on their face. Nothing comes close to hitting the high notes of any of Shetty's full on comedy films.

You cannot even chalk this up to the divided genres (unlike actual masala films where they're mixed and blend properly), as Singham (an out and out action film) was quite hilarious through out. What's worse is that, I'm not just talking about the melodramatic and lagging second half but also what should have been a hilarious first. 

On top of this, Shetty adds his usual and this time unusual (what the hell was the point of taking Rahul into a Pirate ship?!) illogical plot points. These bits seriously derail the thin plot and convolute the film  unnecessarily.

Character wise the film has to fit the mold and image of the actor. This kind of practice in mainstream films just shows how serious writing is actually taken, instead of casting an actor to play a character the character is written for the specific 'actor' or should I say star.

So in this case instead of you usual buff and tough Masala film hero, you have a silent sort of cowardly man with the characteristics of a romantic. As such Shahrukh is perfect casting for Rahul sorry Rahul is perfect casting for Shahrukh Khan.

The thing still is, this is an action movie and it's not your typical SRK style action film where after being beaten in the climax he can get up on sheer willpower and fight off the villain (although that also happens here, with the customary Shahrukh breathes blowing dust when on the ground and gets up heroically). Here SRK has to give some small but slick action stunts to entice the audience, such things burden the character who goes from simpering and foolish to heroic in seconds.

So instead of at least trying too give us a one note character through out or compelling arc, we get a full package masala hero but in SRK's everyman romantic hero packaging. SRK gets to play underdog and super-hero, he gets to have his cake and eat it too.

Could it get any worse? Yes.

The one thing directors/writers need to learn, is never cast SRK in a comedy film. For any zany, crass, or maybe even subtle comedy; Khan hams it up to the max and delivers the dialogues with a sense of cheesiness. As a lead actor for such a film, he's expected to hold the fort with a burst of charisma but when he's outshone by Padukone he's unable to do that.

 Khan like his character seems out of his element, and not even in the right manner that the screenplay wants him to be. In the romantic shtick he fares much better, but is bogged down by the plot and the fact that we've seen him pull off this act before and much better than here. As such when a Masala film lead is bad, then the score goes low as well.

Final thoughts:

Overall I can clearly state that this could have been close to becoming Shetty's worst film if it weren't for the scenic locations, the much needed but small depth to the script but most importantly Deepika Padukone.

If there's anything worth remembering, it's her scene stealing highlight of a performance. In fact because of her, of all ten of the films on this list it's Chennai Express that I wouldn't mind re-watching.

8. Chashme Badoor

Director: David Dhawan

Cast: Ali Zafar as Siddharth Kashyap, Taapsee Panu as Seema Ranjan, Siddharth Narayan as Jai 'Jomo' Lakhanpal, Divyendu Sharma as Omakar 'Omi' Sharma, Rishi Kapoor as Mr Joseph Furtado, Lillete Dubey as Miss Josephine with Anupam Kher as ? and Bharati Achrekar as Seema's Grandmother

Genre: Romantic/Comedy

Best Scene: While not as hilarious as the original, the flashback scenes where Omi and Jai lie about their conquest of Seema

Best Performance: Divyendu Sharma as Omkar 'Omi' Sharma

Best Dialogue: 'Kashmir na koi le sakta hai, Na koi de sakta hai. Kashmir na koi le sakta hai, Na koi de sakta hai. Kashmir me sirf teen din aur do raat ka honeymoon ka package ho sakta hai!'-Omi, (No one can take...oh forget it, it wont sound funny in English). Crass dialogue in your face, just the way Dhawan likes it. 

Pros:-The dialogue clicks well at rare moments

          -Ali Zafar has effortless understated charm, Sid and Divyendu are firecrackers. Their chemistry is well crafted

        

Cons:-Its crass and in your face comedy gets annoying

           -The films narrative has no structure or flow, these are just half baked comedy strung together

           -An example of lazy writing, with no character development and a tacked on message including a logic less climax

           -The Dubey-Kapoor sub plot is a waste of time and extends the film unnecessarily 

           -Even for a David Dhawan this is low class and disappointing

           -Scenes for the orignal are aped without any depth to them

           -Panu makes a horrendous debut. Veterans Kher, Achrekar, Kapoor and Dubey are a disappointment

           -Most of the songs fail to entertain and appear distractingly in narrative

Score: 2.5/10 (Story-0.8, Direction-0.7, Performances-5.4, Background score/soundtrack-3.1)

Sid (Zafar), Omi (Sharma) and Jomo (Siddharth) are three bachelors living together in a room they never pay for and eating food at Mr. Furtado's (Kapoor) hotel which they never pay for. When Seema (Panu) arrives in the neighbourhood, having run away from her Military obsessed father (Kher) and a Military man to be husband everything changes. The vagabonds Sid and Omi try and fail to woo her but when Sid lands the girl, the two friends can't let go and a comedic scheme ensues to first break Sid and Seema up and then patch them together. A remake of the 1981 classic Chashme Buddoor

(So the plot sounds quite generic, especially when handled by David Dhawan, the original 1981 film by Sai Paranjpye is much better due to its elements of subtle comedy and innocent romance not to mention sub-textual commentary on mainstream Bollywood...watch the old version instead)

Before I head to the meat of the review, if it were up to me this would be the worst film of the year. No its definetly much better than most of the other movies on the list, and my score may be a little incorrect but at the end of the day...

...YOU DO NOT MESS WITH A CLASSIC!!!

and yes I would also like to apologize that I thought this would be one of my most anticipated movies of 2013. I had only seen the cast list and was excited to see Divyendu Sharma back in action alongside the ever hilarious Ali Zafar. When I saw David Dhawan's name as director close to the release I was like 'meh' then when I saw the film I thought...

...YOU DO NOT MESS WITH A CLASSIC!!!

Next time I promise to do my research...(but I will still watch a remade movie, because sometimes you mess with the classic and it still comes out good AKA Agneepath 2012)

What it did right?

I'll be the first to admit that I found Dhawan's remake mildly funny, the thing is his comedic tone works best with an out and out wacky actor like a Govinda or a Salman Khan. Here it tries and lands the right notes in dialogue a few times.

In that case none of his actors live up, which is ironic considering Dhawan and his re-made script don't do justice to the effort the actors put in. A lot of people seem to be giving flak to Ali Zafar for his work in the film, but I feel the role of Siddharth requires the kind of bland understated charm that Zafar brings to the role. The thing is you cannot avoid comparing him to the far (and I mean really far) better portrayal by Farooq Sheikh in the original.

That makes things even worse for his co-stars as their inevitably going to be compared with the supremely talented Rakesh Bedi and Ravi Baswani. Still I took into consideration that the misguided slapstick script meant they had to perform the way they did, and as such Siddharth and Divyendu Sharma give a competent showing.

What it did wrong?

If it were up to me to review from a subjective point, than Chashme would be the worst film of the year.

From this film it proves that no matter how entertaining his old comedies are, David Dhawan is a useless fucking director. Opting to steal (I know he bought it legally and credited the former writer/director) the iconic comedies script and then turning into his crass and borderline in your face film, Dhawan just pissed me off.

He takes a large dump on Sai Paranjpye's subtle and charming 1981 classic, with a film that barely resemble the old one and therefore didn't need to even coast on its name. His film is a sign of how lazy Bollywood film making is getting at times and a dishonor to Sai's hard work.

Scenes pasted from the old classic are the only funny ones, but they don't even have the same heart and soul. The original had sub textual spoofing and parodying of the stupidity yet sweet tradition of Mainstream Bollywood films…here Dhawan aped those scenes without understanding their context.

He makes it worse by keeping no real storytelling flow through the run time, it's just lame joke/sketch after another. Characters are sketchily written with very low grade motives, one such instance is that of Jai who believes in method acting and uses this as an excuse to nearly rape a woman in an audition scene. Making fun of such an issue just seems a bit too low grade even for Dhawan and his screenplay writers sensibilities.

Plus Tapsee Panu, aagghhh!!! Every freaking time she has to chime in with her 'Dum hai boss!' routine, she tries to hard to be bubbly and comes of annoying as hell!!! For some reason I just cannot come to believe that this is the same actor from the National Award winning Tamil film Aadukalam. Where she gave a good showing.

Alongside her the veterans were a sheer disappointment, hamming it up to the max. Rishi Kapoor, Anupam Kher and Lillete 'Covered up Malika Sherawat' Dubey are all an annoyance, and the sub plot between Kapoor and Dubey is unnecessary.

Plus they make a botch job of the endearingly sweet Ms Chamko scene from the original (which was portrayed in the original by the characters of Siddharth and Neha (Seema in this version)

And for god sakes what was the meaning behind that common man/army man message, it was so stupid and in the climax really put down the Indian army. Seriously shouldn't people have burned the film posters (or did they?).

Finally that music, loud, illogical and really not well placed making the film worse than it already is. How sweet were 'Kahan se aaye badra' and 'Pyaar Lagavat' from the original and how tacky were 'Dishkyaoon' and 'Har ek friend' from the new version. 

Final Thoughts:

I beg these idiotic hack of directors to leave the classics alone, last years Bol Bachchan (albeit quite funny) pissed me off after it copied Hrishida's Gol Maal. This year Dhawan's Chashme Budoor falls into the list of crap remakes of stellar works of art. 2014's Humshakals helmed by mega hack Sajid Khan is being touted as an Angoor remake.

Seriously why the fuck can't originality be a motto among such people, then again considering how bad they are at their jobs; why can't they such retire. Yet these movies make tons of money, seriously go to hell today's stupid film audience  

7. Race 2

Director: Abbas-Mastan

Cast: Saif Ali Khan as Ranveer Singh, Anil Kapoor as Robert D'Costa, Deepika Padukone as Alina Malik, John Abraham as Armaan Malik, Jacqueline Fernandez as Omisha/'Fake' Tania Martin, Ameesha Patel as Cherry with Bipasha Basu as Sonia Martin Singh and Aditya Pancholi as Godfather Anza

Genre: Action/Thriller

Best Scene: The starting car blast scene, cause if you pause it at the right time you notice that they replace the expensive Lamborghini (sorry don't know which model it is) with a cheaper model (that's what the internet says, and it makes sense) to save money on a film that was going to make huge profits anyway. 

 

Saif Ali Khan: Wow! I believe I can fly...Yipppeee! Wow!

Best Performance: The above car, since it actually changed itself unlike any of the actors expressions

Best Dialogue: I'm lucky I don't remember this movie at all so I don't remember the dialogues

Pros:-There's slick action that entertains quite a bit

                  

Cons:-The film is all style no substance

           -The film's crux emotional point just seems like a stepping stone to explain continuity errors and necessitate for a sequel, but it doesn't seem to have the depth to it

           -Thus this forms a by the book revenge film

           -Characters fall into one category; brooding, dark, steely eyed, sexy and with grey shades. After the previous film, this becomes a one-trick pony

           -Some fairly sub standard performances

           -Ameesha Patel is neither funny nor bubbly, while Kapoor's narration is annoying and his performance over the top

           -The film is just set piece after set piece with unbelievable character traits and decisions in between and no development which causes plot discrepancies 

           -The soundtrack is used to just fill out a incoherent story and film, the original score from the previous feature is updated and sound horrendous in comparison 

Score: 2.7/10 (Story-0.4, Direction-1.1, Performances-2.0, Background score/Soundtrack-5.5)

                       

After the initial Race, Ranveer (Khan) and Sonia (Basu) are living a happily married life. Things take a darker turn when Sonia is killed mistakenly, a hit meant for Ranveer. Ranveer discovers that the hit was put out by a big buisness mogul Armaan Malik (Abraham). 

Ranveer uses his connections with RD (Kapoor) to make friends with Malik and his sister Alina (Padukone) to help them rob big shot casino owner Vikram Thapar. Ranveer needs funds for this from Malik who agrees, getting a loan from the Godfather (Pancholi). Ranveer meets Omisha (Fernandez), Armaan's girlfriend and supposedly Sonia's sister out for revenge. 

Another plan pops up to steal the Shroud of Turin, through which Ranveer will play his game to destroy Armaan for what he took from him. With twists and turns and betrayals afoot, Ranveer will have to reach the finish line to get his revenge and win the Race against Armaan. 

What it did right?

It still gets that slick action right down to the tee…like with the first film

The soundtrack is as superb as the first one, while obviously distracting the music really is entertaining enough to watch and better worth paying the ticket price for than the film itself

What it did wrong?

At the end of the day, the second film seems like a poor rehash of the original. Ahmed (the writer) tries to hide behind a revenge motive in the film to add depth, when actually the plot is hollow and wafer thin. In truth the revenge concept moving past the point that it's so cliché, is just a reason to get the films action started (since the real reason for its existence is Bipasha Basu's non casting in the second film).

With any compelling plot out of the way, the slick features of the film seem empty. There's no denying that the Abbas-Mastan duo are spectacular in their sense of style as filmmakers, but when a film really doesn't have substance it doesn't really help the style, but hinders it. Their form of storytelling here seems lazy, since considering how they turned a typical plot (neglected brother out for revenge) into a total package of a feature for the first Race.

 Some of the basic beats of this screenplay also mirror those of the first race, the constant betrayals and twists simply not having that magnetic feel to it anymore.  The same can be said about characters who are all full of grey shades with ulterior motives to benefit themselves, this time round the film had a chance to make its lead protagonist remotely likable and identifiable to the viewer unlike the previous Race. This should have been a leg up for the second film, however the writers squander this opportunity by barely even giving mention to the revenge scenario in between the opening scene and the ending one.

Race was an average film but with something vaguely unique about it, directors Abbas-Mastan go with the old adage 'If it's not broke, don't fix it' and repeat the formula here without any of the new zing to it.

A shoddy script however can be saved by exceptional performances, and when you have talented actors like Anil Kapoor and Saif Ali Khan then it's definitely possible. Unfortunately this is not the case, you could see with the first film that the director duo had an issue restraining Kapoor from going fully over the top, here they simply let him loose and Kapoor hams to the max on screen. He's also supported poorly by Patel who does the blond act too much in your face, simply just shining her off screen personality into her on screen one.

Saif and John might be on two different sides, but they share the same thing; only one expression through the picture. It also doesn't help that their body language is off, particularly Abraham's who has bulked up so much that he comes off stiff on screen.

Their leading ladies and juniors in the acting world decide to learn something from two macho men and surprisingly give us;

 ONE EXPRESSION! 

Music tends to appear at the right moments but you know a soundtrack as good as this is just placed so as to fill seats in a theater, where the film itself is pathetic.

I love and respect that song and dance are a tradition of Bollywood films, but they cannot be allowed to be used as a crutch for directors with no real artistic credibility.

Final Thoughts:

Speaking of artistic check out this REAL Trailer for Race 2 by The Viral Fever: Qtiyapa:

6. Once Upon ay Time In Mumbai Dobara

Director: Milan Luthria

Cast: Akshay Kumar as Shoaib Khan, Imran Khan as Aslam, Sonakshi Sinha as Jasmine Sheikh, Mahesh Manjrekar as Rawal, Abhimanyu Singh as ACP Ashish Sawant, Pitobash Tripathi as Dedh Tang, Chetan Hansraj as Jimmy, Sophie Chaudary as ? with Sonali Bendre as Mumtaz and Vidya Balan as Tayyab Ali's Lover

Genre: Crime/Romantic/Thriller

Best Scene: Notorious terrorist/gangster Shoaib Khan walks into a Police Station, mutters how ignorant and stupid the police is and walks out without being apprehended.

Best Performance: Sonali Bendre as Mumtaz, only because of nostalgia

Best Dialogue: None

Pros:-The romantic elements are written with a filmy style but also a certain deeper emotiveness

          -Luthria tries his best to salvage a shoddy script, by highlighting the mentally wounded man Shoaib has become

          -Pitobash, Abhimanyu and Bendre are the only highlights among an uninterested cast but have small parts to really come across

          -Music is sufi stylized and soothing, the original films score was perfect and is wisely left untouched 

        

Cons:-The script is nonsensical, there's no particular narrative structure in place

           -New characters are written without any depth or endearing quality, older characters are not highlighted well enough (which is vital, since the casting changed)

           -The films half baked romantic plot bears heavily on the action, there's no real allusion to the crime element that made the first film exquisite.

           -Neither writers nor directors establish setting or proper character background and motivation

           -Luthria fails to understand the era or the characters continuity from the previous film, he puts in too much style thinking it will cover up the hollow plot without fixing it himself

           -Even with a poor structure, it doesn't help that the editing makes things worse by having no connective tissue between scenes

           -Sonakshi Sinha is at her most annoying, Imran Khan just feels oddly out of place and the romantic bits don't help him either

           -Kumar neither brings the stylish sexiness of Ajay Devgan or the restrained steely eyed menace of Hashmi. Instead he opts to make Shoaib to overt and in your face, he spoils what sub textual broken monster that Luthria tries to salvage from the script 

Score: 2.2/10 (Story-1.1, Direction-1.7, Performances-2.4, Background score/soundtrack-3.7)

After the bombing from the previous film, Shoaib Khan (Kumar) has gone into hiding in the Middle-East. He hasn't sat idle though, he's extended his empire there and has a firm grip on Mumbai. He decides to return home after his attempt to fully take over Mumbai is objected by rival gangster Rawal (Manjrekar).

Here he meets Jasmine (Sinha), who instantly wins his heart. Khan showers her with gifts and everything, unaware that his right hand man Aslam (Khan) has been wooing Jasmine through mutual friends. Shoaib is eventually rejected by Jasmine. 

Once this occurs, Shoaib raises hell against Jasmine and soon Aslam in order to prove to them that he is the true King of their lives and Mumbai. 

What it did right?

Milan Luthria fails, yes. 

But he definetly tries (a bit too late into the film) to highlight his lead protagonist/antagonist's metaphorically wounded character. With that, although a bit cheesy he also understands the concept of old school filmy romance very well adapting into the period setting.

The supporting cast is poorly utilized. But even with a miniscule role and shoddy character writing, the best of actors can do something worthy.

The underrated Abhimanyu Singh is a highlight in the few scenes he is in where as the unknown Pitobash is at his funny man best. The surprise though is a much more restrained and focused Sonali Bendre, who does her best to salvage the over the top scenes with Kumar and highlight his character better than the dialogues she had does.

Even though a bit unoriginal, it was a wise move to leave the perfect score of the previous film untouched. It blares with the same style and sensation as it did with the prequel. The other songs are spectacular and have a sufi feel to them, they appear pretty much at the right moments although I do wish 'Tayab Ali' wasn't so in your face

What it did wrong?

That stinking writing and the casting.

Where the original OUATIM was a slick, stylish yet very gritty and dramatic gangster film the second is turned into a cheesy, atrocious romantic triangle of a saga. 

From the onset the screenplay seems odd, there's no particular structure as scenes just come and go with no real semblance. What's worse is that each scene is highlighted by the most nonsensical dialogue and practically static motion of characters and the camera.

 An example of the stupidity would be Shoaib's dialogue 'Doodh mein nimbu jisne daala, Panner usika'

('Whoever puts milk in the lemon, the cheese is theirs'). 

Most of the time you'd think this has some deeper metaphorical meaning, but the absurdity of the words just makes this and the film as a whole sound idiotic.

Unlike its predecessor, there's no real highlighting of the crime element and the script relies on a romantic angle. Unfortunately the romance in the film feels so half baked (surprising considering, it's all the film focuses on) and the actors have such terrible chemistry that the whole picture sinks.

The reason I think it feels half baked is mostly because of the characters and the performers. There's miniscule early character focus given to new boy Aslam, and beyond that there's no deeper sense given to his motivations specifically regarding his loyalty and camaraderie with Shoaib.

There's also a gap in Shoaib's development, we know from the last film that he bombed a part of India and had established his empire into the Middle East. What we don't know is why we should care for his one sided and very dominating romance with Jasmine and why by the end he is to be pitied, in truth the film neither earns the viewers sympathy nor gives a compelling arc for Shoaib to play out. This is depressing considering how superbly crafted his character was in the original.

Finally the girl in the equation; Jasmine. The stupidity of the character is what makes the film unintentionally hilarious. She is fine being made a top actor and getting gifts from a man she has known… 

(well it's hard to know how long she's known him since the film has no concept of time, I mean we're told she's just arrived to the city and apparently it seems like a few days later she wins an acting award or is it a year later?! Plus what era is the film from, cause theirs an 80's styled sufi song and then we also get a modern filmy club song?!)

…for let's say not so long, yet is surprised when he wants something from her in return. 

Apart from that, as mentioned in brackets; the director and writer have no grasp on setting. My guess would be that the film is set in the 80's (maybe that's why it sucks), which when couple with how realistic the prequel tried to be doesn't make sense since we know that Shoaib is partially based on notorious gangster Dawood Ibrahim.  Dawood Ibrahim or in this case Shoaib post the bombing would never arrive back to Mumbai in such an overt fashion like his does in the film.

Which gets me to my next point; why do crime films in Bollywood feel it necessary to highlight the luxuries and sensational aura of being a gangster. Shoaib is presented in such a filmy hero way, being completely invincible and unbeatable and painted in such a positive picture till the end. This film does it worse than previous gangster flicks, because here we don't even get to see any of the two leads pay the price for their actions. Where Aslam becomes the sympathetic hero and gets the girl, Shoaib supposedly has stolen our hearts and sympathy if the viewer fell for the melodrama nonsense.

Then the performances. BY GOD!

Sonakshi Sinha disappoints, a few weeks before OUATIMD we saw her in Lootera (where she was mind blowing). Here she's at her annoying worst, and I'm willing not to blame that on her character.

On another note, I hate when an actor only gets work because of their connections in the industry. This truly applies to Imran Khan (nephew to Aamir Khan), the man holds no basic element of acting whether it be dialogue delivery or expression. He seems an odd fit in a gangster movie even considering that the script is actually a romantic film (his forte) in disguise, plus he looks to fresh to be involved in such a murky world.

Then there's Akshay Kumar. He has messed up what was a stellar showing in the prequel by Emraan Hashmi. Now every time I'll watch Hashmi's portrayal of Shoaib in the prequel, I'll see the crap-fest work done by Kumar. He hits all the worng notes, unlike Hashmi he delivers the typical Shoaib dialogues with an idiotic snarl rather than steely cool, he is too overt and in your face in both body language and expression where Hashmi oozed a raw charisma.

Final Thoughts:

There was an opportunity here to build a stunning world and characters for a franchise, after stellar work in Once Upon A Time In Mumbai. The team fails to light the screen once again with this dumbed down and very incoherently crafted sequel. 

5. Besharam

Director: Abhinav Kashyap

Cast: Ranbir Kapoor as Babli, Pallavi Sharda as Tara Sharma, Amitosh Nagpal as Titu, Javed Jaffrey as Bheem Singh with Rishi Kapoor as Inspector Chulbul Chautala and Neetu Singh Kapoor as Head Constable Bulbul Chautala

Genre: Masala (Multiple)

Best Scene: When Babli tricks Chulbul and ties him up calling him fat and useless. Funny since the scene involves real life father and son. 

Best Performance: Neetu Singh Kapoor as Bulbul Chautala

Best Dialogue: 'Kaun ho aap log?'-Babli ('Who are you people?')

'Tera baap, Chulbul Chautala aur yo teri aama Bulbul Chautala'-Chulbul ('Your father, Chulbul Chautala and this is your mother Bulbul Chautala')

Meta as hell! 

Pros:-Ranbir gives a good showing in the comedic and romantic portions while the Kapoor couple are hilarious. The three Kapoors have a sizzling chemistry

         

Cons:-Dialogue is rife with exposition

          -Characters are written flat and one note.

          -The script follows typical but also out of date narrative beats

          -Action is flawed where as the juvenile comedy is a pathetic attempt on laughter

          -Kashyap visually seams together a hollow picture, he tries to evoke dramatic emotion that neither he or the film have earned

          -He also in a Besharam ('Shameless' pun intended) manner keeps on sticking the films name into the picture

          -The film tries hard to elevate Ranbir as a mass star, but he doesn't have that in your face charismatic appeal. His leading lady is as stiff as a board

Score: 2.0/10 (Story-0.4, Direction-0.4, Performances-4.9, Background score/soundtrack-2.1)

Babli (Kapoor) and his friend Titu (Nagpal) are car thieves, they do this so as they can sell cars and earn money for their orphanage and its children. One such evening Babli meets Tara (Sharda) and is smitten by her. He decides to pursue and woo her in his annoying fashion eventually being rejected. 

When big time goon Bheem Singh (Jaffery) needs a car he hires Babli who mistakenly jacks Tara's new Mercedez. In order to appease the girl of his dreams, he takes her to get her car back from Singh. Trouble between Babli and Bheem ensues and to top it off corrupt officer Chulbul and Bulbul (Kapoor and Kapoor) are on his case. Babli must save his skin in his shameless style and that too soon. 

What it did right?

The only reason I believe the film was made…The Kapoors.

It seems the idea behind the script/screenplay and picture as a whole was to get the father-son-mother trio of Rishi, Ranbir and Neetu Kapoor together on screen for the first time together. It's a novel idea, and the trio play their parts well chewing scenery to the hilt.

But at the end of the day…

What it did wrong?

…a film requires a script/a plot/ a story, and this film has none. This is of course in its base form.

The film does have a screenplay, that just plods along with a clear and generic path in front of it. Simply the story can be told as;

Guy is a crook, he's charismatic yet arrogant, slick yet a buffon. Introduced in a song to accentuate his heroism and his thin character. Guy meets girl, guy falls in love with her while girl is always pissed off and not interested in him. A few songs. Guy stalks girl in a creepy fashion that audience should feel is romantic. Girl humiliates guy, but he has to be all self righteous and try woo her again. Guy makes a mistake, tries to make it up to girl. Guy also reveals his negative attributes, girl forgives him and falls in love. More song and dance. Guy gets into trouble with bad guy.

Guy has some other minor obstacle AKA cops, guy then takes on the big bad. Melodramatic nonsense powers up guy and he beats bad guy. Another bout of melodrama and guy changes his ways lives happily ever after with girl. A final song. The End.

Oh and to top that off, the film aims to explain every single thing through dialogue and fails to make the audiences laugh with its juvenile potty humor.

Sample this;

Chulbul sits on the toilet with a constipation problem once his wife Bulbul shouts everything comes rushing out (yes we see this, obviously in the least graphical way but still we see this) and he exclaims at how his hatred for her gives his ass some relief.  Really?!

To think I was highly anticipating this film.

Why?

Because I actually thought that post the entertaining Dabbang and its atrocious sequel, director Abhinav Kashyap (the director for the first one) was actually the difference between the quality of the two Dabbang films. I thought he would give us another interesting masala film, but it seems he needs Salman Khan's star power more than Khan needs him.

The film is so down trodden, that when it comes to really getting to care for the character the writing cannot even make the most sappy person fall for the daily soap like melodrama.

The film doesn't earn our attention, the film doesn't deserve our attention.

Then onto the casting, yes the Kapoors do well but not as sensational as was expected of them but expected hype cannot be considered so harshly.

What can be considered is this, Ranbir has shown to be a far talented actor and one of the first celebrity sons to actually be deserving of the tag of superstar. Even then this is only because he sinks himself into his characters, no matter how harshly he's mocked method acting in the past.

The one thing is not even a great actor can essay a role that requires boat loads of overt charisma and a larger than life presence. Its where Ranbir fails, he doesn't have that kind of raw presence to be accepted doing stupid things on screen like a Salman Khan.

Its worse when he's actually paired with a mannequin for a leading lady, she looks frustrated when she's simply flaring and surprise! Surprise! Frustrated when she's happily in love with Babli.

Final Thoughts:

All I can scream at the top of my head for this film and people involved, and I know this sounds cliché (though not as cliché as the film) but BESHARAM! (Shameless!)

4. Krrish 3

Director: Rakesh Roshan

Cast: Hrithik Roshan as Krrish/Krishna Mehra/Rohit Mehra, Vivek Oberoi as Kaal, Priyanka Chopra as Priya Mehra, Kangana Ranaut as Kaya with Naseeruddin Shah as Dr. Siddhant Arya and Monish Behl as Kaal's Adoptive Father

Genre: Sci-Fi/Action/Comedy 

Best Scene: Every scene where I was able to note which film it was copied from

Best Performance: Kangana Ranaut as Kaya

Best Dialogue: None

Pros:-Hrithik brings out the heroic presence of his character brilliantly through his body language. He's aided well by Ranaut who outshines him and her whole cast

Cons:-The pacing off the film is ragged, it goes from slow and not tension to fast with no real flow

           -Characterization for most parts is inherently poor, there is no character dynamics or greater interaction especially between hero and villain in place

           -Dialogues are not as hard hitting as should be for such a genre, there is a sense of too much spoon feeding/exposition for the audience

           -The writers utilize multiple tropes constantly especially that of deux ex machina for the finale twice within a space of few minutes

           -A lot of themes are brought into the film but are as quickly dropped in order to just feed the audience the action required

           -In conclusion; there are 5 writers, making this a case of too many cooks spoiling the food

           -While it doesn't purely copy the deeper themes of Hollywood comic heroes such as identity, it does copy multiple plot lines and visual elements

           -Other performances especially those of the supporting actors is pathetic and doesn't convey the plot dangers, Priyanka Chopra is too melodramatic where as Hrithik as Rohit is annoying as hell.

           -Costume design is pathetic for all the villains

           -The VFX is really cheap and easy to spot as fake

           -The music compared to its predecessor was pathetic

Score: 1.9/10 (Story-0.4, Direction-0.3, Performances-6.2, Music-1.1, VFX-1.5)

Krrish (Roshan) has now become a famous superhero in India, he lives with his News Reporter wife Priya (Chopra) and genius scientist father Rohit (Roshan). Worlds away a mysterious paraplegic by the name of Kaal (Oberoi) is determined to engulf the world in disease so as to discover the origins of his psychic...forget I don't know what the hell this film was about?! 

What it did right?

Even Hrithik Roshan can't save a downright crap film, but he tries giving the film a heroic presence it doesn't deserve.

Kangana does her best to aid him bringing a mystique (pun fucking intended) to her performance.  She's the bright beacon that tries to salvage the shoddy film.

Let's take a side route, if Kangana can catch a grasp on her voice and fix her dialogue delivery, I personally believe she could become a stellar actor from an ok one. Oh! And she needs to choose the right films of course…but most importantly it's her voice that lets her down.

What it did wrong?

Fool me once, fine that's on me but try to fool me twice; and I'll kick your ass.

I like Koi Mil Gaya, even though it was an outright copy of Spielberg classic ET.  I was hesitantly at ease when Rakesh Roshan was called an innovator.

When Krrish came along, I tried finding which film it was a copy of, it seemed not many and not so obviously but it has to be. Still the film was a bit empty and hollow for a superhero film but entertaining for a romantic sci-fi. It was the first superhero film for India, so good enough even though it had none of the pathos Superhero works do.

Then the trailer for Krrish 3 hit. In one instant it was easy for me to notice which film each of the trailers frames had copied from. And on top of that?

My god those pathetic visual effects.

Even then the biased stupid industry and its fans shout; Rakesh Roshan is an innovator, a genius. It earns a 100 crores and eventually becomes one of the highest grossing films. To this I say Fuck You!

I don't even understand why I wasted my money on this derivative piece of shit.

Now onto a serious review. First of all the script is credited to five writers, it's why the film has such an incoherent structure with no basic flow rather complicating to the max, the film is slow then gets fast paced and then slow and then derails to god knows where.

 Indeed there were too many cooks in the kitchen.

Still those cooks could barely come up with a plot that didn't have a scene copied from far superior superhero films.

 Character work was really bad, there's no deeper exploration of Krishna, I get that he's an Indian superhero so he can't be gritty but even then a healthier arc and better depth is possible (just see the lighter films like Captain America or Sam Raimi's Spiderman series).

There's no established dynamic between the hero and villain, a vital aspect of superhero films. This is worse considering the climatic revelation that villain and hero are brothers. Something that should have been profound but falls flat because of the shoddy development.  Plus the funny thing; How is it that Krrish looks exactly like his father even though he should have got some of his mothers looks, yet Kaal who is a pure clone of his father looks nothing like him.

(Oh and let's just not talk about that trash can of a suit)

The first thing I thought when Kaal's powers were revealed that in a sick way Jadoo (the ET of Koi Mil Gaya) had slept around prior to leaving Earth.

First lets take Krrish for example, scientist Rohit Mehra is ecstatic to leave Singapore for India cause he hasn't met his family in two years yet his wife is currently giving birth to their son (so what they consummated through telephone?) no it was Jadoo with his magic hmmhmm from space.

Then we have Kaal all the way across the world, so he's a clone my theory goes in the dumps. But it is a better theory than this films incoherent script.

Apart from that, there's the stock mutants all the way from the X-Men world. Kaya being the most important, a woman fused with a chameleon who can change her shape to anything she wants (ring a bell?!), she's a tough mystique presence surely and too quickly smoldering under Hrithik's presence. What could have been a huge boost (a independent and powerful female character) becomes an idiotic trope.

Along with the characters there's the case of dialogues, none of them are really power packed or memorable. Most of it is just annoying exposition right from the Amitabh Bachchan infested start.

 On top of that the writers constantly use deux ex machina to save its hero. In just a space of two scenes, the sun is used to power up Krrish, a very scientifically illogical plot point. Coupled with the half hearted attempts at adding some pathos to the feature, we can clearly say Krrish 3 is out to and succeeds at proving the lower IQ of Indian children and Indians as a whole. 

Then there's the usual Superhero film thing selling superhero related goods like Krrish bands…Wait what?!

No other superhero film sells their superheroes products on film,

OMG an original idea!

 And it had to be one that simply casts the whole film as the most expensive and longest advertise in History. An advert we paid for, just to be sold more crap.

You know what the word for Rakesh Roshan should be;

LAZY!

Now onto the performances. Roshan while great as Krrish is horrendously over the top as Rohit Mehra, he is so bloody annoying its hard to not laugh and clap when he finally dies in the most melodramatic way when he tries to channel his inner Marlon Brando as Jor-El from Superman.

 Priyanka Chopra is even dumber than Lois Lane and a real pain to watch on screen. Oberoi tries to give us his best Robert Pattison merged with Kristen Stewart performance, and he succeeds exceptionally.

Now onto the music. As soon as 'God, Allah aur Bhagwan' blared on the screen, I turned to my friend and shouted;

ARE WE BACK IN THE FREAKING 90's?!

For a man who gave us a stellar soundtrack with both Koi Mil Gaya and the original Krrish (that do hold up till today), this was an utter disappointment.

Finally the VFX. Either it's me or Indian critics are blind (I'll go with them being bought instead) cause this was the worst VFX job I have ever seen. I know Bollywood doesn't have the resources like Hollywood, but for a country that has had a boom in animation a decade ago, this kind of work is too low on the totem pole. Hiding behind the low resources veil, is just an excuse to hide the greediness in making more profits from a cheaper looking film (than making regular but good enough profits from a film that could have had great vfx). Cheating the audience is the worst sin and filmmaker can commit.

Final Thoughts:

Instead of summing the film up, lets have a look at some stills of scenes and characters side by side with the films it copies, enjoy;

 

I might be nitpicking, I know its Kaal behind Krrish and Hulk behind well Hulk (as Banner) still you can see the similarities. 

Krrish 3 and its trailer open with this smoke effect vaguely similar to the smoke effect that comes up at the opening of Dark Knight. Coincidence?

 

 When Kaal is introduced, first a top view tracking shot is taken of his mountain based villains lair the same is done in Batman Begins to track The temple of The League of Shadows

There's more than enough scenes including one where metal comes flying to Kaal forming a suit like Iron Man in Iron Man 3 and Krrish and Kaal fighting into a building like Man of Steel. But since the films came out in 2013, it's hard to say if these were direct copies or not.  

3. Zanjeer 

Director: Apoorva Lakhia

Cast: Ram Charan Teja as ACP Vijay Khanna, Priyanka Chopra as Mala, Sanjay Dutt as Sher Khan, Prakash Raj as Teja, Mahie Gill as Mona Darling with Ankur Bhatia as Bosco and Atul Kulkarni as Jaydev

Genre: Action/Thriller

Best Scene: No Idea

Best Performance: Mahie Gill as Mona Darling

Best Dialogue: None

Pros: -Small doses of comedy are hilarious

           -Mahie Gill churns out a special seductive turn in character, even against a bad film

Cons:-The narrative pacing is shaky, the film lags pointlessly and then rushes its climax

           -The psychological revenge element disappears quite fast and re-appears again, it then ends up preventing the climax from resonating apart from this other plot points are half baked and oddly developed

           -Dialogue is redundant and flat, its delivery doesn't help either

           -Lakhia adapts the better scenes from the original film terribly

           -The action choreography is a bit too showy and depends on too much slow motion

           -Dutt fails to impress where as Prakash Raj and Priyanka are annoyingly Over the top

           -The worst crime is that of Ram Charan, he moves through the film with a one note expression

           -Illogical song placing causes a start-stop first act, the music itself is cheap and the background score is generic and in your face

Score: 1.7/10 (Story-0.7, Direction-0.5, Performances-3.1, Background score/soundtrack-2.6)


ACP Vijay Khanna (Ram) is an honest and stern cop, after another scuffle against corruption he is transferred again and is the first cop to be done so to Out of State. He is put in charge of case where eye witness Mala (Chopra) has seen a murder. With her help, he gets to the bottom of the murder linking directly to Buisnessman and Oil Mafia Kingpin Teja (Raj). Falling in love with Mala, making friends with Sher Khan (Dutt) and taking down Teja is not all that Vijay does, he is also haunted by his past. What Vijay doesn't know is that this case ties back to what made him who he is and brings his collision with Teja to a personal level. 

(This amateur summary sounds even better than the film itself)

What it did right?

Cheesy but the comedy scenes between villain Teja and Mona are the only entertainment in a bland film.

Mahie Gill, girl you are better than these roles stop doing them. Seriously if there's any one to watch its her, her rendition of Mona (a character immortalized by Bindu in the original) is pitch perfect. The 3.1 score is all hers.

What it did wrong?

In the immortal words of Daniel Bryan; No! No! No!

You do not dare make a remake of an Amitabh Bachchan film, I know Don and Agneepath were great but still as good as they are they don't negate the bad aftertaste of Aag (a remake of the iconic Sholay). Now you can add Zanjeer (2013) to that tasteless list.  

I don't know why it was (most likely cause of its confused tone), but the plot was so static being forced to move around by its director. It didn't help then when the film needed to end and did so with a rushed pace and unfortunately weak pay off to the revenge element.

A revenge element that just lingers in the beginning and conveniently is tied up in the end, unlike the original which had added depth with its psychological element affecting its lead protagonist through out.

We see Vijay struggling with the nightmares of his past as a child early on, but only after an unnecessary item song sequence highlighting the same issue in a misguided and comical manner.  The plot and full flashback revelation is brought back towards the end, a point where the audience has stopped caring.

So if Vijay can't get any intricate and smart character development than how can we expect anything for the others. There's no real depth to anybody else and what's worse is that unlike the original the performances don't hide this well enough.

The screenplay also wastes unnecessary time while having sheer illogical scenes fleeting through.

Why was it necessary for us to see Vijay and Khan playing video games?

And I get that Vijay was attacking criminals in the slum district, but he actually just caused more chaos by riding his Jeep through the place and blasting the slum area to oblivion where there were possibly hundreds of poor people including children.

While, why did the script have to decide that Mala came for a Facebook (and only Facebook) friends wedding (rather it could have been an old friends wedding, making more sense). Than to top it off, she has to be stupid and ends up falling for a cop she's known for only a few days.

Plot holes FTW!

Then there's that dialogue especially those from the mouth of Teja. Crass to the core and seriously not funny. 'Chicks and chicken are the two meows of my life', 'Mona apna mu sirf ek cheez ke liye kholo' ('Mona just open for one thing' and we know its not to talk).

Not only crass though. It's also redundant to a point, lazily written and delivered. Like this one;

'Mai Vijay ke saath nahi uske aage kara hu.'-Sher ('I'm not standing side by side with Vijay, I'm standing in front of him'). Not only does it not spark any reaction but Dutt's delivery of it is dull to the core. 

 But before we get there, let's talk about what Lakhia brings to the table. Even Dhawan was able to adapt some of the scenes from the original Chashme Badoor and make them remotely funny in his own way (the flashback scenes), Lakhia doesn't even do this properly worse he instills a meta reference that comes off insulting rather than a homage. A scene where villains Teja and Mona are watching the original Zanjeer.

Then of course the performances. This is Priyanka Chopra's third venture into an Amitabh Bachchan film remake, here she just seems to high to even function. Chirpy to the max, she's loud and more annoying than a screaming banshee.

Sanjay Dutt doesn't have the fluency or efficiency of the late great Pran. Prakash Raj has been typecast in such a role so many times, that he thinks he can play it by sleepwalking through the whole film.

Then the oddest thing, along with Sanjay Dutt even every cast members dialogue delivery is at its lowest point.

Finally of course we come to Ram Charan Teja. A sensation down south, the actor has big shoes to fill in the role that made Bachchan a legend. It just seems he picked the wrong shoes.

I don't know what Telegu cinema fans see in him but I'm hoping they don't like him because of his consistency.

Yes.

Ram Chran Teja is consistent…consistent in keeping one expression on his face as if it's been plastered by the editors of his film, he does this even through a tender romantic scene with his leading lady.

Finally the music. Thank god we don't get a rehash of the original films music, I hate to see how down they would drag the classic 'Yaari Me Imaan' with the way this music already is.

Final Thoughts:

One of the worst films of the year and possibly in Hindi film history, half way through this I was wishing that I was actually sitting through RGV's Aag; that’s how bad this one is.

Oh and I know that a remake has to do something different from the original, but just getting the hero beaten by chains (Zanjeer) does not justify your title. In fact Thoofan (whirlwind, the telegu version of the film) sounds like a better title, although not apt either.

2. Himmatwala

Director: Shitjid...sorry Sajid Khan

Cast: Ajay Devgan as Ravi, Tammanah Bhatia as Rekha, Paresh Rawal as Narayandas, Mahesh Manjrekar as Sher Singh, Adhayayan Suman, Zarina Wahab as Savitri, Leena Jumani as Padma with Chunky Pandey as Michael JaiKishen and Ritesh Deshmukh as Real Ravi

Genre: Masala (Multiple Mix)

Best Scene: Ritesh Deshmukh's cameo and death scene cause it was unintentionally hilarious

Best Performance: The Audience for bearing the brunt of this film

Best Dialogue: Not from the film but before its release and I quote (in English) 

'In its first three days of release, I guarantee you that you wont be able to get a ticket cause it'll be housefull.'-Sajid Khan

Pros:-The film is mildly amusing...

Cons:-…but for all the wrong reasons.

           -The film's dialogue is in your face and seems to explain everything happening rather than letting the viewer visually enjoy it

           -Some absurd action mixed with campy comedy 

           -The "plot" is full of over the top melodrama

           -If Sajid Khan is purposely trying to make 'a very bad film that its so good'; then he fails to bring that message across

           -A second act unnecessary twist evaporates the little emotional resonance the film had and destroys the lead character protagonist 

           -Khan and his unit seem to forget at times that the film is in a period setting 

           -The films high budget production and set design really come off as tacky and ape the original Himmatwala

           -Rekha comes across as an unlikable character whose development doesn't really resonate well

           -The performances range from over the top to crap as hell

           -The music suits the period setting but never reaches the good heights of the original

Score: 0.1/10 (Story-0.7, Direction-0.5, Performances-1.0, Background score/soundtrack-2.2)

I'm not even bothered to burn your eyes, ears and minds by telling you the films so called 'STORY'. Oh and the above scores are just me being too kind.

What it did right?

Absolutely nothing…except I'd like to thank cinema goers for not catching this, making it a flop and deflating Sajid Khan's huge ego.

Personally I illegally downloaded it and watched it, this is the first time I'm proud of saying that.  The only reason I was compelled to watch this was to laugh at Sajid Khan's above mentioned claims which I read about months after the films release.

Housefull for three days…hahaha…still makes me chuckle

What it did wrong?

I'd like an applause and a consideration as a Himmatwala (Brave man) for standing this film for it's two hour plus runtime. Got what a bunch of crap did I go through.

Oh Sajid Khan, Sajid Khan. I'd pity you if you weren't such an arrogant douche. The man claimed that this film would be an all time blockbuster. Thank god he was brought down from his pedestal.

You make a remake of a classic film, your obviously going to be hated even if its good.

You make a remake of a bad film, your simply delusional. Indeed taking what is the epitome of bad cinema from the worst decade for commercial Bollywood films (80's, where HIndie cinema thrived), there's no way your going to succeed unless you lose the essence of the original in the first place. Then its not a remake of course.

In Khan's case its hard to understand whether he's truly making a remake as a homage to the original or is he spoofing it cause of how bad it is. I go with the former knowing that he has an affinity with 80's Hindi cinema.

Like with anything that's steeped in 80's cinema there's a high dose of annoying melodrama and a script chock full of stock characters. From the unwed going to be raped sister, to the coughing mother, the villagers, the comedic side villain, his incompetent son that has a thing for the said sister, the main idiotic villain and most importantly the shrill and mean leading lady who needs to be tamed (a highlight of old misogynist views) to be turned into a marriageable loving and pleasing love interest/wife. Oh and lets not forget the no can do no wrong and can't be beaten superhero I mean Bollywood hero.

Then how can Sajid Khan make it worse, adding in a nonsensical twist that just whips apart everything and fixes it in a second through misguided melodrama and the necessary rape attempt sequence.

Of course with Khan you cannot also just have cheesy comedy and action, you have to have some absurd humor especially some idiotic meta references that clearly diminish the concept of the period setting and time. Just to try and make a funny film funnier, although it becomes lamer than lame in reality.

On top of that, there's the 'acting'. A word I use a bit broadly in this case, I get that the plot is melodramatic but the over the top performances just take the  viewer out of the film completely. It's hilarious how an accomplished performer like Ajay Devgan has two movies (both remakes, this and Aag) on the worst of Bollywood of all time list. Like with talented thespian Anupam Kher (from Chashme), Paresh Rawal is also a pitiful disgrace. Debutante Tamannah is another thing altogether, she doesn't even have a modicum of the charisma or dancing skills that Sridevi had to save the atrocious character she plays.

Which brings me too the music. If you can give me the award of Himmatwala for standing this movie, then I beg you for a 'Bum pe Laath'* for being stupid to watch this pile of horseshit. Even the classic 'Naino Me Sapna' is copied without any of that old kitsch that makes it likable. 

*For those not in the know, Bum pe Laath is a stupid song from the film

Final Thoughts:

After three undeserving super hits, Sajid Khan makes a dud yet he has the fucking audacity to try and now remake a comedic classic like Angoor for his film Humshakals. Somebody stop giving this bloody hack money to make films. 

1. Grand Masti

Watched the film a quarter way and left it. 

Gave it a...

  

Why?

The plot. 

It's old school regressive, degrading, misogynist sex joke after sex joke. Mainstream Bollywood directors and 'writers' just don't have a modicum of respect or understanding of women. 

There's proof that an R-Rated film can be made without attacking women like wolves. Look at The Bridesmaids for an example Indra Kumar (Director for schlock 90's cinema and new age sexist comedies with no meaning AKA Grand Masti)...or don't look at it, cause you'll copy the plot like you did for American Pie with this film. 

I wont go into a full length review/rant instead I'll quote this far better critic who sums it up perfectly;

"I'm going with zero out of five stars for Grand Masti because there is no way you can enjoy this movie and still claim you respect women."-Abhishek Mande, rediff.com

 

 Read his review, it's more insightful than I can write worth understanding the idoticy and sexism abundant in this film.

Oh and did I forget to mention that the film became a blockbuster, how shocking!!! Fuck You Hindi Cinema viewers!!!

PS: I know I promised to be a bit fair, but by the time I started writing about Chashme Badoor, I got so pissed that I had to go on a biased tirade. Even then, my review for Grand Masti is not biased. Please don't ever pay to watch that film in your life. If you enjoyed it then whatever just go to hell. 

Those were the worst films I watched last year. Agree? Disagree? Comment below. 

Next: Democracy, A murder case, some dissapointments, the best soundtrack of 2013 and a Dhoom to end 2013! The films that just didn't cut the Top 30 best. Tintin's Top Ten Honorable/Dishonorable Films of 2013. 

'Nuff Said

Aneesh Raikundalia